Captain Spaulding on Skull Island

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Happy Halloween!

Here’s a short play I wrote just for the holiday.

Enjoy!

 

OSCILLATING SASQUATCH

by John Weagly

(Lights up. A cemetery. The dark of night. October 30 – Halloween Eve. TRIXIEBELLE-WREN and PEACH-CALLIOPE stand waist-deep in a grave. They are both in their early-twenties and are slightly-goth, slightly-punk and slightly-hillbilly. There are piles of freshly-turned dirt behind them. They both have shovels. They dig for a moment.)

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Can we take a break for a minute?

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Sure.

(They stop digging and catch their breath.)

PEACH-CALLIOPE
How much deeper do we have to go?

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
I don’t know – six feet under, so I guess we have to hit six feet.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
This is wild.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
It’s not my fault.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
I’m not saying it is. I’m not even saying it’s bad. I’m just saying – it’s wild.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Cooter-Cain loved Oscillating Sasquatch. He wanted to be buried with all of his Oscillating Sasquatch CD’s.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
And our tickets.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
I had no idea.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
For tomorrow night’s Oscillating Sasquatch Halloween concert.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
I didn’t realize he put the concert tickets in the CD case for “Bigfoot Barf.”

PEACH-CALLIOPE
That’s their best album.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Without a doubt.

(Pause.)

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Do you miss him?

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Not really. I know I should, he was a pretty good boyfriend, but… meh, I just don’t.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
I don’t miss him either. I liked him well enough, but – yeah, meh, I just don’t.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Meh.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Meh.

(Pause.)

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Interesting way to go.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
No kidding!

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“The worst pumpkin-carving accident since the Jack-O-Lantern Jack-knife Slaughter of 1978.”

PEACH-CALLIOPE
He’s a part of history.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Did they ever find his toe?

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Nope. Never did.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Good-bye Cooter-Cain McGillicuty.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
That’s what he’ll be remembered for. The way he died.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
That and his love for Oscillating Sasquatch.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
The greatest punk jug band in the history of punk jug bands!

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
So many great songs! “Anarchy Rag!”

PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Everything Blows Except Me & My Jug.”

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“Blitzkrieg Washtub.”

PEACH-CALLIOPE
“My Baby Got The Spoons, So Go Fork Yourself!”

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN & PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Bathwater Lobotomy!”

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Cooter-Cain and I met at an Oscillating Sasquatch concert.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
I remember!

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
They were touring for “Diseased Brain in the River Bottom.”

PEACH-CALLIOPE
That’s their best album.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Without a doubt. Cooter-Cain was dancing and screaming like his soul was on fire.

(PEACH-CALLIOPE starts singing/screeching and dancing. After a moment, TRIXIBELLE-WREN dances with her and joins in.)

PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Don’t tell me about your life,
Don’t tell me about your wife,
I don’t care about your ugly mug,
All I care about is me and my jug!”

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“Cause I’ve got a…”

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN & PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Diseased Brain in the River Bottom,
A Diseased Brain in the River Bottom,
A Diseased Brain in the River Bottom!”

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
He swept me off my feet.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Being swept off your feet is so over-rated.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Yeah. I didn’t like it. Meh.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Meh.

(They pick up their shovels and start digging.)

PEACH-CALLIOPE
I never really liked pumpkins.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
No?

PEACH-CALLIOPE
No. Even before Cooter-Cain’s mishap. They’re so orange and stupid.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
You’re right! They are orange and stupid! Now that I think about it, I never liked pumpkins either!

PEACH-CALLIOPE
You’re such a good friend.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
You, too.

(They hug.)

PEACH-CALLIOPE
You know I slept with Cooter-Cain, right? A bunch of times.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Yeah. I know. How did you like it?

PEACH-CALLIOPE
He was okay.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Yeah. He tried pretty hard, but he was just okay.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Meh.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Yeah. Meh.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Meh. Still, he loved him some Oscillating Sasquatch.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
He was really looking forward to the Halloween concert.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
You’ve heard their new one, right?

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“Moonshine Meltdown on Sedation Street?” Hell, yes!

PEACH-CALLIOPE
That’s their best album.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Without a doubt.

(Their shovels hit something.)

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Got it.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Huh. I guess we didn’t have to go six feet.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Still, when I go, I’m going to be cremated. I don’t want to put anybody through this.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Good idea.

(TRIXIEBELLE-WREN crouches down. We hear a creak as the coffin is opened.)

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Oh! Wow!

PEACH-CALLIOPE
What?

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
It’s not him. This isn’t Cooter-Cain’s grave.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
It’s not?

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
No. This is Jethro-Dante. I dated him, too.

PEACH-CALLIOPE
So did I!

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
(Waving at the corpse.)
Hi, Jethro-Dante!

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Hey, J.D.!

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
(Pointing to another part of the graveyard.)
Want to try over there?

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Why don’t I just buy us new concert tickets?

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Can you do that?

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Sure. They’re not sold out. And they’re only five bucks.

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
You’re such a good friend!

PEACH-CALLIOPE
Woooooo! Oscillating Sasquatch!

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Oscillating Sasquatch rules!

(They start singing/screeching and dancing again.)

PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Shuck that corn…”

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“Throw it in the still…”

PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Dump in the sugar…”

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“Careful not to spill…”

PEACH-CALLIOPE
“I got no shoes…”

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“Down on my feet…”

PEACH-CALLIOPE
“I’m havin’ a…

TRIXIEBELLE-WREN & PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Moonshine Meltdown on Sedation Street!”

(Lights down.)

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