Captain Spaulding on Skull Island

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THE FISHMONGER AND THE FANCY LADY
by John Weagly

(Lights up. An open market. The FISHMONGER peddles his wares.)

FISHMONGER
(Calling.)
Fish! Fresh fish!!

(A FANCY LADY enters. She approaches the FISHMONGER.)

FANCY LADY
Do you have any squirrel?

FISHMONGER
I sell fish, madam. A squirrel is not a fish.

FANCY LADY
Tree Squirrel or Ground Squirrel, Red or Gray – it doesn’t matter which.

FISHMONGER
No, madam. Fish. I have fish.

FANCY LADY
But, I’m baking a pie.

FISHMONGER
(Calling.)
Fish! Fresh fish!!

FANCY LADY
I’m having company and I promised them a palatable squirrel pastry.

FISHMONGER
Fish, madam. I’ve got several nice fish. Halibut. Cod. Mackerel. But no squirrel.

FANCY LADY
No squirrel?

FISHMONGER
No. None.

FANCY LADY
This can’t be! I’ve made plans, I’ve made promises! The embarrassment, the humiliation, the shame! I’ve assured my friends a squirrel pie and now I’ll be a laughingstock. This can not be!

(The FANCY LADY breaks down in the FISHMONGER’s arms.)

FISHMONGER
There, there. It’s all right. I’ll tell you what, I’ve got a Prairie Dog and three nice chipmunks. Will those do?

FANCY LADY
I don’t know. They’re not squirrel.

FISHMONGER
Prairie dog taste almost the same as squirrel, add a little nutmeg and you could fool the Queen of England. The chipmunk flavor is a little closer to a marmalot, in my opinion, but your friends will never know the difference.

FANCY LADY
I’ll take them!

(The FISHMONGER wraps up the Prairie Dog and Chipmunks and gives them to the FANCY LADY.)

FANCY LADY
Thank you! You’ve saved my dinner party.

FISHMONGER
Think nothing of it. Just doing my job.

(The FANCY LADY exits. As soon as she is out of earshot, the FISHMONGER again peddles his wares.)

FISHMONGER
(Calling.)
Squirrel! Fresh Squirrel!!

(ANOTHER FANCY LADY enters and approaches the FISHMONGER.)

ANOTHER FANCY LADY
Do you have any fish?

FISHMONGER
I sell squirrel, madam. A fish is not a squirrel.

(Lights down.)
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Now this singular little script has been published on a singular little site called THE OTHER OTTER.
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